The events of the Day Mom Passed

WARNING GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF MOMS PASSING...YOU MAY WANT TO NOT READ.
We didn’t' expect this at all. She passed three days after starting chemo. She had a really bad night, dad was up rubbing her back all night, she was in pain, and was using a nebulizor to help with her breathing. We were told that the third day of chemo is the worst...but I guess mom couldn’t handle the toxicity. Just twenty four hours, maybe more, before she passed, I asked mom, "So, is chemo as bad as you thought it would be?" She told me no. Well, at about 10:30 am mom woke dad up, because he had fallen asleep from taking care of her. She was talking to him, he asked her if he could get something for her, she was talking with slurred speech. Moms breathing seemed labored, he noticed that her eyes lost focus, and her lips were blue. Dad ran to my bedroom door (I slept late, was up all night with huck...cause he was on the phone with his sister who thought she was dying from a blood clot) and dad beat on the door and said, we need to get mom to the hospital, she is having trouble breathing. What he and I didn't know at that point till we realized later, was that when mom's eyes lost focus...she had left us. Well, I flew out of bed, ran into mom’s room...I didn’t' say it, but I knew she was dead...her eyes were opened, her mouth was opened...it was horrible. I screamed for huck, I was freaking out bad... (Huck by the grace of God, was home and didn't have to fly...this is rare) Dad was trying to revive mom and so panicky, as soon as huck got in there, which was pretty much immediate...he checked for vitals, there was none, he and dad lifted her to the floor and huck started CPR. I was wailing and begging God, I am sure I was heard outside our house too. I called 911, they sent someone out...I felt like I had been punched in the chest...I thought my world had collapsed...it still feels a lot that way.

Not sure how long paramedics took to get there, but it was too late...although Huck did not stop trying. After the paramedics got there, they still had huck doing chest compressions, and he was so tired that they worked with a two man team ....one doing chest comppressions and the other doing the breating. They stopped at almost an hour later...My poor husband didn’t' give up till the paramedics told him...that there was no saving her...there was no heart activity...nothing for them to use paddles on...she was gone before Huck started cpr. I feel so guilty, my husband was so tired and in tears saying to me..."I am so sorry I couldn’t save her for you. We held each other and cried...I assured him that there was nothing he could have done...that it was God's decision. I still hurt so badly, when I think of how hard my husband tried to save my mom...and the trauma he went through seeing her that way...she was gone, and it was useless. I told my friend Marie, that I wish I hadn’t' made him feel like he had to save her, like he had to bring her back, but she told me, that had he not done what he did...there would have been worse regrets...always the thought..."Could I have done more?" We are all dealing with what ifs right now, and some regrets are creeping in. I knew in the back of my mind we would eventually lose her...we never knew this fast.
My Moms doctor called moments after Huck and the paramedics stopped trying to bring back mom, and Dad had to tell the doctor, "We lost Angie" Dr. Tan said to my Dad..."What....What?....What?.....how can this be?" Dr. Tan thought my mom would be around for a lot longer...He told her that she wasn't terminal. I fear now that the herbals she was on were hiding exactly how much cancer she had in her body, and maybe that her whole body was eaten up, I know I was afraid it was in her brain because of how scatter brained she was. She was such a beautiful woman...After the paramedics left the room, I went in there, they had covered her face...I was so grieved that I almost laid directly on top of her like Paul did when he as praying for God to bring back someone that was dead. I held her hand, rubbed her face, kissed her, told her what a good mother she was, over and over again, hoping she could hear me...I told her we would take care of dad....over and over again...till the paramedics made me leave the room...and then they shut the door. While they were in there, they took all her medications...which sucked because I really needed her anti anxiety medication. I know I am rambling, and perhaps I have said too much...But it is all so fresh in my mind. Dad keeps falling apart on us...they were married 31 years...and mom passed at only 50 years young. I need to stay strong for my dad.

Mom’s body is still in Milton Florida, they are going to bring her to Jacksonville. We left Milton around 7:30 last night, and got here in Jacksonville around 3am. I was so exhausted from grief and the events of the day, that I almost passed out once I hit the bed. As soon as I woke this morning…I kept having flashes of yesterday’s events. But, some good memories are starting to overtake the bad memories.

The last time I saw my mom alive was the night before…dad took care of her all night…which happened quite often…she would have bad nights and scream out in pain, and my dad would rub her back. About an hour before she passed, dad helped her onto there portable toilet in her bedroom, and when she was holding onto my dads hand, she lifted it and kissed it three times and told my dad that she loved him. About twenty four hours before…maybe a little more, she had asked me to please have a baby girl. The day before that, she sat with me and watched the entire first Lord of the Rings…her and I both have a soft spot for that movie.

All the events from the past month…even way before…seemed to be paving the way for her passing. She went to Disney world with us and the kids this year…after that, she got too ill to do anything that strenuous. She got things straight with my sister (there had been issues), she spent time with the Grandkids and I. When mom was having her heart attack, she was praying for death, and she told me that when God didn’t take her, she was disappointed. In the ER I had laid hands on her chest and prayed for God to wrap his hands around her heart and protect it. Well, my sister didn’t think mom was in risk of passing soon, until her heart attack…The next day, my sister and her family came and spent a week with my mom, we even took pictures of her with all her grandkids…she looked beautiful and very happy. Then, dad pulled his knee out and couldn’t work…so he had two weeks of time with my mom where he didn’t’ work. Then the night before she passed, Huck and I were up all night on phone with his sister and her golf ball sized blood clot, begging her to go to the doctor. That when 6 am came around, I overslept and didn’t get Christian off to school. Don’t worry, the kids were in there playroom when all of the stuff happened yesterday…they didn’t see her, and won’t until the funeral. God had us all home yesterday for a reason, so that assures me, that this was part of God’s plan, He planned to take her home with Him, and He knew that all of us left here to grieve her needed each other to be home for each other.

I need prayers very, very much. I need peace, and I need those last images of huck doing CPR out of my mind. My dad needs prayers also.