God is so Great!

Well, today was the appointment for the arrangements...and it was quite exhausting. We had a 5,000 life insurance policy for mom, that I bought a couple years ago. But, the cost of the funeral was over 10,000 dollars, this is minus the cost of the grave marker. They want 1400 dollars for a single one, and I believe 2500 or more for a double one, so we decided not to get it yet, and decided we would check out the casket store for grave markers. Get this....this is where it gets good. A couple hours later...my sister talks to a friend of the family, and they have a granite grave marker that we can have....all we need is the metal ingraved insert with moms info on it. I was so in awe of God's mercy and grace...He is so good to us. In the midst of our pain, he is providing. The ladies at my sisters church are providing all the food for the reception, and my sisters pastor is doing the memorial service at no charge (we wanted our Uncle to do it, but he is unable to do so). Of course, we will give them money, we feel it is only right. But there is an out pouring of love right now...God is taking care of us. I even contacted an old friend from High School, and she is singing at moms funeral and memorial service also. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers.

The events of the Day Mom Passed

WARNING GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF MOMS PASSING...YOU MAY WANT TO NOT READ.
We didn’t' expect this at all. She passed three days after starting chemo. She had a really bad night, dad was up rubbing her back all night, she was in pain, and was using a nebulizor to help with her breathing. We were told that the third day of chemo is the worst...but I guess mom couldn’t handle the toxicity. Just twenty four hours, maybe more, before she passed, I asked mom, "So, is chemo as bad as you thought it would be?" She told me no. Well, at about 10:30 am mom woke dad up, because he had fallen asleep from taking care of her. She was talking to him, he asked her if he could get something for her, she was talking with slurred speech. Moms breathing seemed labored, he noticed that her eyes lost focus, and her lips were blue. Dad ran to my bedroom door (I slept late, was up all night with huck...cause he was on the phone with his sister who thought she was dying from a blood clot) and dad beat on the door and said, we need to get mom to the hospital, she is having trouble breathing. What he and I didn't know at that point till we realized later, was that when mom's eyes lost focus...she had left us. Well, I flew out of bed, ran into mom’s room...I didn’t' say it, but I knew she was dead...her eyes were opened, her mouth was opened...it was horrible. I screamed for huck, I was freaking out bad... (Huck by the grace of God, was home and didn't have to fly...this is rare) Dad was trying to revive mom and so panicky, as soon as huck got in there, which was pretty much immediate...he checked for vitals, there was none, he and dad lifted her to the floor and huck started CPR. I was wailing and begging God, I am sure I was heard outside our house too. I called 911, they sent someone out...I felt like I had been punched in the chest...I thought my world had collapsed...it still feels a lot that way.

Not sure how long paramedics took to get there, but it was too late...although Huck did not stop trying. After the paramedics got there, they still had huck doing chest compressions, and he was so tired that they worked with a two man team ....one doing chest comppressions and the other doing the breating. They stopped at almost an hour later...My poor husband didn’t' give up till the paramedics told him...that there was no saving her...there was no heart activity...nothing for them to use paddles on...she was gone before Huck started cpr. I feel so guilty, my husband was so tired and in tears saying to me..."I am so sorry I couldn’t save her for you. We held each other and cried...I assured him that there was nothing he could have done...that it was God's decision. I still hurt so badly, when I think of how hard my husband tried to save my mom...and the trauma he went through seeing her that way...she was gone, and it was useless. I told my friend Marie, that I wish I hadn’t' made him feel like he had to save her, like he had to bring her back, but she told me, that had he not done what he did...there would have been worse regrets...always the thought..."Could I have done more?" We are all dealing with what ifs right now, and some regrets are creeping in. I knew in the back of my mind we would eventually lose her...we never knew this fast.
My Moms doctor called moments after Huck and the paramedics stopped trying to bring back mom, and Dad had to tell the doctor, "We lost Angie" Dr. Tan said to my Dad..."What....What?....What?.....how can this be?" Dr. Tan thought my mom would be around for a lot longer...He told her that she wasn't terminal. I fear now that the herbals she was on were hiding exactly how much cancer she had in her body, and maybe that her whole body was eaten up, I know I was afraid it was in her brain because of how scatter brained she was. She was such a beautiful woman...After the paramedics left the room, I went in there, they had covered her face...I was so grieved that I almost laid directly on top of her like Paul did when he as praying for God to bring back someone that was dead. I held her hand, rubbed her face, kissed her, told her what a good mother she was, over and over again, hoping she could hear me...I told her we would take care of dad....over and over again...till the paramedics made me leave the room...and then they shut the door. While they were in there, they took all her medications...which sucked because I really needed her anti anxiety medication. I know I am rambling, and perhaps I have said too much...But it is all so fresh in my mind. Dad keeps falling apart on us...they were married 31 years...and mom passed at only 50 years young. I need to stay strong for my dad.

Mom’s body is still in Milton Florida, they are going to bring her to Jacksonville. We left Milton around 7:30 last night, and got here in Jacksonville around 3am. I was so exhausted from grief and the events of the day, that I almost passed out once I hit the bed. As soon as I woke this morning…I kept having flashes of yesterday’s events. But, some good memories are starting to overtake the bad memories.

The last time I saw my mom alive was the night before…dad took care of her all night…which happened quite often…she would have bad nights and scream out in pain, and my dad would rub her back. About an hour before she passed, dad helped her onto there portable toilet in her bedroom, and when she was holding onto my dads hand, she lifted it and kissed it three times and told my dad that she loved him. About twenty four hours before…maybe a little more, she had asked me to please have a baby girl. The day before that, she sat with me and watched the entire first Lord of the Rings…her and I both have a soft spot for that movie.

All the events from the past month…even way before…seemed to be paving the way for her passing. She went to Disney world with us and the kids this year…after that, she got too ill to do anything that strenuous. She got things straight with my sister (there had been issues), she spent time with the Grandkids and I. When mom was having her heart attack, she was praying for death, and she told me that when God didn’t take her, she was disappointed. In the ER I had laid hands on her chest and prayed for God to wrap his hands around her heart and protect it. Well, my sister didn’t think mom was in risk of passing soon, until her heart attack…The next day, my sister and her family came and spent a week with my mom, we even took pictures of her with all her grandkids…she looked beautiful and very happy. Then, dad pulled his knee out and couldn’t work…so he had two weeks of time with my mom where he didn’t’ work. Then the night before she passed, Huck and I were up all night on phone with his sister and her golf ball sized blood clot, begging her to go to the doctor. That when 6 am came around, I overslept and didn’t get Christian off to school. Don’t worry, the kids were in there playroom when all of the stuff happened yesterday…they didn’t see her, and won’t until the funeral. God had us all home yesterday for a reason, so that assures me, that this was part of God’s plan, He planned to take her home with Him, and He knew that all of us left here to grieve her needed each other to be home for each other.

I need prayers very, very much. I need peace, and I need those last images of huck doing CPR out of my mind. My dad needs prayers also.

This morning around 10am, Mom's spirit left her body, and she is now with the Lord in glory, with her mother and her father who had already passed on from this life onto glorious eternal life with our heavenly Father in heaven. Please continue for peace for the family during this difficult time of grieving. Her body will be laid to rest in Jacksonville Florida. 

Mom had chemo this past tuesday...she was fine tuesday afterwards...a little week, then it hit her like a mac truck on wednesday night. She is shaking so bad she kept asking me if we were having an earthquake...seriously!! I kept telling her no, that is was just her body shaking from the chemo. She has had a real bad day today, my dad hasn't been great at giving her her medications on time...thus causing her to be in severe pain....from the cancer, not the chemo. I told mom I will take back the responsibility today/tonight for giving her the meds. I think his mind isn't right at the moment, because he is so stressed and watching is wife's health decline...and he has ADD, but won't go to the doctor for it or take medications either. I asked him to take over when he went on medical leave the end of last week with a pulled out knee, because I needed a break. Dad was crying today while taking care of mom, her mind isn't right at the moment...I think the chemo is affecting her...she mixes up her words, hears us say things that we didnt' say. And she is feeling things move in her chest....I am hoping that is a good sign, that maybe the chemo is really attacking that mass in her lung...causing some movement. Thanks for the continued prayers everyone. 

Well, mom had her appointment with the Oncologist. He told her that the Cancerous Mass in her lung has grown by another 1.5cm's. He spoke to her, letting her know, that all that she is feeling right now is symptoms from the cancer, and he can't just keep treating the 'symptoms,' because he needs to treat the cause, thereby eliminating most of the need to treat the symptoms. He was very sweet and supportive, he is a great doctor. He told her that if she isnt' going to finish the treatment, then not to start it. He told her all the possible side effects, and assured her that they will give her meds to help with those also. We addressed the fact that mom wasn't eating and she was nauseated and losing weight. So, Dr Tan gave her a prescription for nausea medicine, and something to increase her appetite. And, praise be to God, they actually work. She is eating great, maybe she can gain a little weight back...she has lost over 40 pounds in the past few months from being nauseated and unable to eat. Mom is so fearful of nausea and vomiting that I believe that is what has kept her from taking chemo up to this point. I told her, :"Mom, you are already nauseated...so what if chemo makes you nauseated too." Plus the doctor has told her that they will give her med for that too. So, starting on tuesday, mom is going to take chemo treatments. Once a week for three weeks, then a week off. After her week off, she will get another CT scan, then we will see if it has given any results. I will keep everyone updated as much as possible.
 

Moms Ct Scan

Hi everyone,
Just an update, sorry I haven't been online much lately. A lot going on, and my right arm is in severe pain, I hurt it bad this summer trying to chop through a tree root in the ground...hasn't healed and it keeps flaring up.
Well, some potentially bad news, Mom had another CT scan yesterday, and the technician told her that the tumor (mass) looks to be 12 cm., whereas it was before only 9cm. It is growing at a rate of almost 1cm a month. I believe mom will decided whether or not to take chemo or not tomorrow, after the official measurement and report from the doctor. Please pray that the tech measured it wrong, and that it is smaller.
God gave me some peace in a sermon this past Sunday, it was about Daniels interpretations of dreams, it reminded me of the dream that God had given me, and the broken serpent statue in my dream, I believe that represents Satan/Cancer being defeated. Please continue to pray for my mother. HERE IS A PICTURE OF MOM AND ALL HER GRANDKIDS...EVEN OUR DOG PIPPIN
 

Mom has been doing great the past few days. Christina and her family visited us. They just left today. Mom has been feeling alot better, eating more, getting out of bed more. The prayers are working, please keep it up everyone. 

Take off 

helicopter 

Picture of Mom in Life flight helicopter 

MOTHER (a poem)

To the mother who gave her all,
To loving her children so tiny and small.
To the mother who did the best,
Her children shall rise up and call her blessed.
For the mother who did without the finer things,
She is rewarded with the love that motherhood brings.

Through diapers and bottles,
And preschoolers with full force throttles.
Through Dances and dating, And worries of premarital mating!
With loving instruction and hugs and kisses!
She even found time to do the dishes!

Oh beautiful Mom, so sweet and tender, better memories my mind could not have rendered. There is one prayer I pray today...That I will be a Great Mom Like you someday. 

Mom is home from the hospital, feeling better, but still has to take her pain meds for the cancer. There was no damage to her heart from the heart attack, I give God all the glory for that. The infectious disease doctor found no infections/bacteria in her blood cultures, the doctor told us that the 102 fever she was running was likely "tumor fever," we assumed it was that in the first place. The cancer has caused the middle lobe of her right lung to collapse as well, as her left lung where the 9cm mass is. Please continue to pray, the cancer causes her a lot of pain. She will have another ct scan sometime this week, and then decide on chemo. She thought she had her mind made up until she took a turn for the worse. She is so fragile. I will write more later as I recall events from the past week more accurately. 

Mom in ICU Day 2

Mom is doing great today. They gave her some Zanex (I think that is what it is called) for her anxiety, and she is such a sweet angel right now...no disagreements, no tension, no stress or painful looks in her face. She looks tired and thinner, but she feels good. They still don't know what the fever is from, they say she might be moved out of ICU tomorrow, not sure if they are gonna discharge her or not. We pray she comes home soon and healthier. 

Mom is in ICU Day 1

We went to the hospital to see mom today, and they moved her to ICU, from the PCU (Progressive Care). Not sure what is going on, and it kinda scares me. She had a 102 fever today, her heart started acting up again and they are calling in an infectious disease doctor. They said that all her blood tests come back free of anything and that she shouldn't be on antibiotics, but when she is off them, she gets a fever and chills. I hope that this Infectious disease doctor can tell us something. Mom is weak and sick, and not eating well, she wants to come home. Inside I feel like she is dying on us, but she looks good on the outside. Great skin color, and beautiful. I hate the ICU visiting hours. We can only visit at every odd hour between 9am and 8:45pm. And the visits are for 30 minutes at a time.
Example:
Visits are between (I think I am a little off on the exact times):
- 9:00-9:30am
- 11:00-11:30am
- 1:00-1:30pm
- 3:00-3:30pm
- 5:00-5:30pm
- 8:15-8:45pm
I think that is the exact visiting schedule seems way too restrictive, and her room, no phone, and we had to take her cell phone so we can't contact her at all. Please pray for her and for our family right now. I seem so stressed and mom is so weak.  

Mom had a bad day

Mom is still in the hospital today. No problems right now with her heart. But her acid reflux is causing major chest pain. she can't eat anything at all without intense pain. She said they treated her horrible today, and that they aren't giving her any more morphine, only tylenol. And that the reflux medicine is not working. I am at a loss at what to do to make her feel better. She is getting increasingly irritated at me, and very combatant. Makes me want to cry sometimes...but I have to stay strong for her.  

Mom had a heart attack

My mom had a heart attack this morning and I had to call 911 for rescue to come and get her. (We didn't know what was wrong at the time) She was screaming in pain. I had to get the kids dressed and out the door, and not to mention I had a stomach virus this morning and I couldn't leave the house for about 20 minutes after the ambulance left...that was stressful. So, once I got there, my dad had gotten there already, cause I called him at work. Mom looked bad, she had two IV's in her arm and she was doped up on morphine and still in pain. I for sure thought she was going to die on us...I have never seen her look so weak and vulnerable. They put her in a life flight helicopter to take her to Sacred Heart Hospital in Pensacola, took the helicopter about 6 minutes to get there, but took my dad and I about an hour with traffic and stuff to get there.
By the time we got to Sacred Heart, they had already done a catheter and found no clots, they said what they gave her at the emergency room at the other hospital (Santa Rosa Hospital) would have dissolved any clots. They said that they believe she has been having a heart attack for 3-4 days we still don't know the extent of the damage, or whether or not there was any.
She is stabilized and may be coming home tomorrow. Please continue to pray for her.