Mom 

~Happy Birthday Mom~

To my mother on what would have been her 51st birthday if she was still with us:
(thanks for the dear friend that shared it with me)
~Happy Birthday Mom~
My Mother is so special to me,
a friend who was always near,
someone I could turn to,
to listen or shed a tear
I know I told you often
how much I loved you so,
but I could never tell you
as much as you should know
Now that you are gone from me,
I think of so many things
that I want to tell you,
but the phone will never ring
Happy Birthday my dear Mommy,
I send wishes to the above,
of the joy you always gave me,
the joy of devoted love
~by Jill Hoel
© Jill Hoel 2005

DEATH~

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
"Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know ? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and that is enough." 

Letter From Mother

Do not cry my sweet children, for my life has not end.
For I am in the presence of our Great and Mighty Lord,
In glory that one cannot comprehend.
I need not be hidden in the cleft of the rock
For I have seen the father face to face,
And I am part of His flock.
No longer do I have to depart from His most Glorious and Holy presence,
On His great mountain I will stay,
Robed in the Glory of His Love - The most Holy Ancient of Days.
Before you mourn for me, please remember this, Your mother is alive and living in the Great presence of His holiness.
-Michelle Collins

Beloved Mother

A Beloved Mother And Very Best friend,
Dearest of all people, with a love that knows no end.
A playmate to her Children's Children,
She's both Grandma and a Friend.
Full of Childhood memories at the park and beach,
So fond and true all within our minds reach.
Blessed with beauty and an innocent heart,
She is Fairest of God's most exquisite art.
A Daughter, a Sister, a Wife and a Mom,
The Bride of Christ she has now become.
Her purpose fulfilled, and Her Legacy Left,
Again we will see her, and be no longer bereft.

Time

If a loved one has departed,
and left an empty space,
Seek the inner stillness,
Set a slower pace.

Take time to remember,
Allow yourself to cry,
Acknowledge your emotions,
Let sadness pass on by.

Then center in the oneness,
Remember...God is here,
Death is but a change in form,
Your loved one is still here.

Treat yourself with kindness,
Allow yourself to feel,
God will do the mending,
And time will help you heal. 

Mom Dad and Noelle 

Mom and Noelle 

Momma, I was cleaning the kitchen this morning...and missing the dirty spoons you would leave on the countertop during your nightly trips to eat out of the peanut butter jar...those are sweet memories I will always cherish. 

When tomorrow starts without me

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;



But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.



I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.



But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heavens Gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,



He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.



But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
David M Romano
December 1993

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny light, like Heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to lift your spirit
as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another
as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven
and I'm walking with the King.



~By Wanda Bencke~ 

A Mother's Path

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, �Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said," Mother, we would not have done it without you." And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I have given them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."
And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the Mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them." And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence."
Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street. She's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks. She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home. She's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing can separate you. 

I was listening to a CD that I have had for awhile, and was listening to a song I have heard many times before....but this time....I actually listened to the words....it is beautiful...and I was in tears.

Homesick Lyrics (Mercyme)


You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now 

MOTHER I MISS YOU
By John Tesh & Dalia

Is it me?
Or have I deceived myself
I thought I heard you call my name
Out in the pouring rain
I really thought
I though I saw your face but after a second look
I sure made a clear mistake
Mother I miss you
And nights I just wish you were here with me
So we could laugh and talk again
Mother I miss you
But I'll just kiss you
And send it on the way
Cause you know I plan too see you again
So much I wanted to show you
So much I wanted to give
I thought our time would be much longer
Missing my best friend
Mother I miss you
And nights I just wish you were here with me
So we could laugh and talk again
Mother I miss you
I miss you
But I'll kiss you
And I'll send it on the way
Cause you know I plan to see
You Again 

It has been a little over a month since losing mom...still hard. The first dream I had about her was about two weeks ago, I was standing with her and my father, and I was grabbing her hands, rubbing them, telling her she was beautiful and kissing her face, and telling her "Please don't leave me." Over and over again I kept saying this...she and dad walked ahead in the crowd, I kept losing sight of her, and kept saying "Please don't leave me," but she did. The next dream I remember I was sitting next to her, she looked beautiful, and I was telling her about the dreams I had about her, and she just sat there smiling at me, not saying a word. Then I had a dream about her last night. I was with her, in her room, and she was pretty and didn't look sick at all. I was crying and holding her hand, and I said to her, maybe we would have had you with us for a little longer if you hadn't had the chemo. (she died three days after her first chemo treatment) And she said to me..."no you wouldn't have. The crazy thing, in my head in the dream, I was thinking, why am I saying this, she isn't dead. When I woke up I had a some peace...I guess deep inside I felt guilty that we insisted on chemo and then she died...she was bad off, stage 4, the cancer encased her aorta and was in her liver too. I sat on her bed beside her the night before she passed, rubbing her back, her telling me how good dinner was, and telling me I needed to have a baby girl. Elijah walked in her room, the look on his face was total shock at the way grandma looked, I quickly ushered he and his brother out of the room. The poor boys were awakened the next morning by my screams and cries. Later I felt so guilty, because my oldest, christian, said to my husband...I keep hearing mommy screaming. I have had three dreams about momma, and she never talked to me in my dreams, until the last one. Anyhow, I am rambling on, this is like therapy for me.
(This is a picture of mom last halloween) 

God is so Great!

Well, today was the appointment for the arrangements...and it was quite exhausting. We had a 5,000 life insurance policy for mom, that I bought a couple years ago. But, the cost of the funeral was over 10,000 dollars, this is minus the cost of the grave marker. They want 1400 dollars for a single one, and I believe 2500 or more for a double one, so we decided not to get it yet, and decided we would check out the casket store for grave markers. Get this....this is where it gets good. A couple hours later...my sister talks to a friend of the family, and they have a granite grave marker that we can have....all we need is the metal ingraved insert with moms info on it. I was so in awe of God's mercy and grace...He is so good to us. In the midst of our pain, he is providing. The ladies at my sisters church are providing all the food for the reception, and my sisters pastor is doing the memorial service at no charge (we wanted our Uncle to do it, but he is unable to do so). Of course, we will give them money, we feel it is only right. But there is an out pouring of love right now...God is taking care of us. I even contacted an old friend from High School, and she is singing at moms funeral and memorial service also. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers.

The events of the Day Mom Passed

WARNING GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF MOMS PASSING...YOU MAY WANT TO NOT READ.
We didn’t' expect this at all. She passed three days after starting chemo. She had a really bad night, dad was up rubbing her back all night, she was in pain, and was using a nebulizor to help with her breathing. We were told that the third day of chemo is the worst...but I guess mom couldn’t handle the toxicity. Just twenty four hours, maybe more, before she passed, I asked mom, "So, is chemo as bad as you thought it would be?" She told me no. Well, at about 10:30 am mom woke dad up, because he had fallen asleep from taking care of her. She was talking to him, he asked her if he could get something for her, she was talking with slurred speech. Moms breathing seemed labored, he noticed that her eyes lost focus, and her lips were blue. Dad ran to my bedroom door (I slept late, was up all night with huck...cause he was on the phone with his sister who thought she was dying from a blood clot) and dad beat on the door and said, we need to get mom to the hospital, she is having trouble breathing. What he and I didn't know at that point till we realized later, was that when mom's eyes lost focus...she had left us. Well, I flew out of bed, ran into mom’s room...I didn’t' say it, but I knew she was dead...her eyes were opened, her mouth was opened...it was horrible. I screamed for huck, I was freaking out bad... (Huck by the grace of God, was home and didn't have to fly...this is rare) Dad was trying to revive mom and so panicky, as soon as huck got in there, which was pretty much immediate...he checked for vitals, there was none, he and dad lifted her to the floor and huck started CPR. I was wailing and begging God, I am sure I was heard outside our house too. I called 911, they sent someone out...I felt like I had been punched in the chest...I thought my world had collapsed...it still feels a lot that way.

Not sure how long paramedics took to get there, but it was too late...although Huck did not stop trying. After the paramedics got there, they still had huck doing chest compressions, and he was so tired that they worked with a two man team ....one doing chest comppressions and the other doing the breating. They stopped at almost an hour later...My poor husband didn’t' give up till the paramedics told him...that there was no saving her...there was no heart activity...nothing for them to use paddles on...she was gone before Huck started cpr. I feel so guilty, my husband was so tired and in tears saying to me..."I am so sorry I couldn’t save her for you. We held each other and cried...I assured him that there was nothing he could have done...that it was God's decision. I still hurt so badly, when I think of how hard my husband tried to save my mom...and the trauma he went through seeing her that way...she was gone, and it was useless. I told my friend Marie, that I wish I hadn’t' made him feel like he had to save her, like he had to bring her back, but she told me, that had he not done what he did...there would have been worse regrets...always the thought..."Could I have done more?" We are all dealing with what ifs right now, and some regrets are creeping in. I knew in the back of my mind we would eventually lose her...we never knew this fast.
My Moms doctor called moments after Huck and the paramedics stopped trying to bring back mom, and Dad had to tell the doctor, "We lost Angie" Dr. Tan said to my Dad..."What....What?....What?.....how can this be?" Dr. Tan thought my mom would be around for a lot longer...He told her that she wasn't terminal. I fear now that the herbals she was on were hiding exactly how much cancer she had in her body, and maybe that her whole body was eaten up, I know I was afraid it was in her brain because of how scatter brained she was. She was such a beautiful woman...After the paramedics left the room, I went in there, they had covered her face...I was so grieved that I almost laid directly on top of her like Paul did when he as praying for God to bring back someone that was dead. I held her hand, rubbed her face, kissed her, told her what a good mother she was, over and over again, hoping she could hear me...I told her we would take care of dad....over and over again...till the paramedics made me leave the room...and then they shut the door. While they were in there, they took all her medications...which sucked because I really needed her anti anxiety medication. I know I am rambling, and perhaps I have said too much...But it is all so fresh in my mind. Dad keeps falling apart on us...they were married 31 years...and mom passed at only 50 years young. I need to stay strong for my dad.

Mom’s body is still in Milton Florida, they are going to bring her to Jacksonville. We left Milton around 7:30 last night, and got here in Jacksonville around 3am. I was so exhausted from grief and the events of the day, that I almost passed out once I hit the bed. As soon as I woke this morning…I kept having flashes of yesterday’s events. But, some good memories are starting to overtake the bad memories.

The last time I saw my mom alive was the night before…dad took care of her all night…which happened quite often…she would have bad nights and scream out in pain, and my dad would rub her back. About an hour before she passed, dad helped her onto there portable toilet in her bedroom, and when she was holding onto my dads hand, she lifted it and kissed it three times and told my dad that she loved him. About twenty four hours before…maybe a little more, she had asked me to please have a baby girl. The day before that, she sat with me and watched the entire first Lord of the Rings…her and I both have a soft spot for that movie.

All the events from the past month…even way before…seemed to be paving the way for her passing. She went to Disney world with us and the kids this year…after that, she got too ill to do anything that strenuous. She got things straight with my sister (there had been issues), she spent time with the Grandkids and I. When mom was having her heart attack, she was praying for death, and she told me that when God didn’t take her, she was disappointed. In the ER I had laid hands on her chest and prayed for God to wrap his hands around her heart and protect it. Well, my sister didn’t think mom was in risk of passing soon, until her heart attack…The next day, my sister and her family came and spent a week with my mom, we even took pictures of her with all her grandkids…she looked beautiful and very happy. Then, dad pulled his knee out and couldn’t work…so he had two weeks of time with my mom where he didn’t’ work. Then the night before she passed, Huck and I were up all night on phone with his sister and her golf ball sized blood clot, begging her to go to the doctor. That when 6 am came around, I overslept and didn’t get Christian off to school. Don’t worry, the kids were in there playroom when all of the stuff happened yesterday…they didn’t see her, and won’t until the funeral. God had us all home yesterday for a reason, so that assures me, that this was part of God’s plan, He planned to take her home with Him, and He knew that all of us left here to grieve her needed each other to be home for each other.

I need prayers very, very much. I need peace, and I need those last images of huck doing CPR out of my mind. My dad needs prayers also.

This morning around 10am, Mom's spirit left her body, and she is now with the Lord in glory, with her mother and her father who had already passed on from this life onto glorious eternal life with our heavenly Father in heaven. Please continue for peace for the family during this difficult time of grieving. Her body will be laid to rest in Jacksonville Florida. 

Mom had chemo this past tuesday...she was fine tuesday afterwards...a little week, then it hit her like a mac truck on wednesday night. She is shaking so bad she kept asking me if we were having an earthquake...seriously!! I kept telling her no, that is was just her body shaking from the chemo. She has had a real bad day today, my dad hasn't been great at giving her her medications on time...thus causing her to be in severe pain....from the cancer, not the chemo. I told mom I will take back the responsibility today/tonight for giving her the meds. I think his mind isn't right at the moment, because he is so stressed and watching is wife's health decline...and he has ADD, but won't go to the doctor for it or take medications either. I asked him to take over when he went on medical leave the end of last week with a pulled out knee, because I needed a break. Dad was crying today while taking care of mom, her mind isn't right at the moment...I think the chemo is affecting her...she mixes up her words, hears us say things that we didnt' say. And she is feeling things move in her chest....I am hoping that is a good sign, that maybe the chemo is really attacking that mass in her lung...causing some movement. Thanks for the continued prayers everyone. 

Well, mom had her appointment with the Oncologist. He told her that the Cancerous Mass in her lung has grown by another 1.5cm's. He spoke to her, letting her know, that all that she is feeling right now is symptoms from the cancer, and he can't just keep treating the 'symptoms,' because he needs to treat the cause, thereby eliminating most of the need to treat the symptoms. He was very sweet and supportive, he is a great doctor. He told her that if she isnt' going to finish the treatment, then not to start it. He told her all the possible side effects, and assured her that they will give her meds to help with those also. We addressed the fact that mom wasn't eating and she was nauseated and losing weight. So, Dr Tan gave her a prescription for nausea medicine, and something to increase her appetite. And, praise be to God, they actually work. She is eating great, maybe she can gain a little weight back...she has lost over 40 pounds in the past few months from being nauseated and unable to eat. Mom is so fearful of nausea and vomiting that I believe that is what has kept her from taking chemo up to this point. I told her, :"Mom, you are already nauseated...so what if chemo makes you nauseated too." Plus the doctor has told her that they will give her med for that too. So, starting on tuesday, mom is going to take chemo treatments. Once a week for three weeks, then a week off. After her week off, she will get another CT scan, then we will see if it has given any results. I will keep everyone updated as much as possible.