In Loving Memory of Angie Brazzell

Another year has passed....

2007-09-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

Mom, I miss you so much.

MOTHER’S DAY IN HEAVEN

2007-05-13T20:01:00.000-05:00

It’s Mother’s Day in heaven, and though we loved them so,
God gently called our mothers home. We knew they had to go.
They had fulfilled their task on earth. They’d served Him every day.
They loved and cared, prayed and shared. God had shown them the way.

They must be kneeling by God’s throne and asking Him to send
His love to each and every child, and every special friend.
I’m sure they’ve not forgotten their loved ones here on earth.
Their happiness must rival that of when they gave us birth.

They must feel young and strong again and equal to each task
That God would have them to fulfill. They need not even ask…
For He would know that in their hearts they know and love us still,
And that they seek to serve Him yet within His blessed will.

Perhaps they’ve joined the angel choir and sing their songs of praise,
Rejoicing in God’s presence throughout un-numbered days.
While we cannot imagine the beauty of that place,
Our mothers see and understand the wonder of God’s grace.

Yes, it’s Mother’s Day in heaven, that home beyond the blue,
And our mothers will be waiting until we join them, too.
So trust in God. Give Him your heart, refuse a life of sin.
Believe His word, accept His son, and He will let us in.

© 2004 Nona Kelley Carver

~Happy Birthday Mom~

2007-03-19T02:29:00.000-05:00

(Thanks to a special friend that shared this poem with me)

~Happy Birthday Mom~

My Mother is so special to me, a friend who was always near, someone I could turn to, to listen or shed a tear I know I told you often how much I loved you so, but I could never tell you as much as you should know Now that you are gone from me, I think of so many things that I want to tell you, but the phone will never ring Happy Birthday my dear Mommy, I send wishes to the above, of the joy you always gave me, the joy of devoted love
~by Jill Hoel

Happy Birthday Mom, I miss you very much.

2006-08-02T21:06:00.000-05:00

It was a year ago today that we found out mom had cancer, it was one of the worst days I can remember, just her and I and the doctor in the office when we got the news. It was such a surreal day, then we went to lunch after the appointment....and they played the song..."If you get there before I do" by Colin Raye, and my mother and I sat there quite at the table crying.

2006-07-09T23:41:00.000-05:00

What mom wrote the day before she died. Her hand writing was messy because she couldn't stop shaking from the chemo

2006-07-09T23:40:00.000-05:00

What mom wrote the day before she died.

2006-07-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

What mom wrote the day before she died.

2006-06-28T02:08:00.000-05:00

Surgeon General Warns of Secondhand Smoke
By LAURAN NEERGAARD

WASHINGTON (AP) - Breathing any amount of someone else's tobacco smoke harms nonsmokers, the surgeon general declared Tuesday - a strong condemnation of secondhand smoke that is sure to fuel nationwide efforts to ban smoking in public.

``The debate is over. The science is clear: Secondhand smoke is not a mere annoyance, but a serious health hazard,'' said U.S. Surgeon General Richard Carmona.

More than 126 million nonsmoking Americans are regularly exposed to smokers' fumes - what Carmona termed ``involuntary smoking'' - and tens of thousands die each year as a result, concludes the 670-page study. It cites ``overwhelming scientific evidence'' that secondhand smoke causes heart disease, lung cancer and a list of other illnesses.

The report calls for completely smoke-free buildings and public places, saying that separate smoking sections and ventilation systems don't fully protect nonsmokers. Seventeen states and more than 400 towns, cities and counties have passed strong no-smoking laws.

But public smoking bans don't reach inside private homes, where just over one in five children breathes their parents' smoke - and youngsters' still developing bodies are especially vulnerable. Secondhand smoke puts children at risk of sudden infant death syndrome, or SIDS, as well as bronchitis, pneumonia, worsening asthma attacks, poor lung growth and ear infections, the report found.

Carmona implored parents who can't kick the habit to smoke outdoors, never in a house or car with a child. Opening a window to let the smoke out won't protect them.

``Stay away from smokers,'' he urged everyone else.

Even a few minutes around drifting smoke is enough to spark an asthma attack, make blood more prone to clot, damage heart arteries and begin the kind of cell damage that over time can lead to cancer, he said.

Repeatedly questioned about how the Bush administration would implement his findings, Carmona would only pledge to publicize the report in hopes of encouraging anti-smoking advocacy. Passing anti-smoking laws is up to Congress and state and local governments, he said.

``My job is to make sure we keep a light on this thing,'' he said.

Still, public health advocates said the report should accelerate an already growing movement toward more smoke-free workplaces.

``This could be the most influential surgeon general's report in 15 years,'' said Matthew Myers of the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids. ``The message to governments is: The only way to protect your citizens is comprehensive smoke-free laws.''

The report won't surprise doctors. It isn't a new study but a compilation of the best research on secondhand smoke done since the last surgeon general's report on the topic in 1986, which declared secondhand smoke a cause of lung cancer that kills 3,000 nonsmokers a year.

Since then, scientists have proved that even more illnesses are triggered or worsened by secondhand smoke. Topping that list: More than 35,000 nonsmokers a year die from heart disease caused by secondhand smoke.

Regular exposure to someone else's smoke increases the risk of a nonsmoker getting heart disease or lung cancer by up to 30 percent, Carmona found.

Some tobacco companies acknowledge the risks. But R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co., which has fought some of the smoking bans, challenges the new report's call for complete smoke-free zones and insists the danger is overblown.

``Bottom line, we believe adults should be able to patronize establishments that permit smoking if they choose to do so,'' said RJR spokesman David Howard.

And a key argument of some business owners' legal challenges to smoking bans is that smoking customers will go elsewhere, cutting their profits.

But the surgeon general's report concludes that's not true. It cites a list of studies that found no negative economic impact from city and state smoking bans - including evidence that New York City restaurants and bars increased business by almost 9 percent after going smoke-free.

To help make the point, Carmona's office videotaped mayors of smoke-free cities and executives of smoke-free companies, including the founder of the Applebee's restaurant chain, saying business got better when the haze cleared.

In addition to the scientific report, Carmona issued advice for consumers and employers Tuesday:

Choose smoke-free restaurants and other businesses, and thank them for going smoke-free.

Don't let anyone smoke near your child. Don't take your child to restaurants or other indoor places that allow smoking.

Smokers should never smoke around a sick relative.

Employers should make all indoor workspace smoke-free and not allow smoking near entrances, to protect the health of both customers and workers, and offer programs to help employees kick the habit.

On the Net:

Report: http://www.surgeongeneral.gov

06/27/06 23:06 � Copyright The Associated Press. All rights reserved. The information contained In this news report may not be published, broadcast or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press.

The Dangers of Second Hand Smoke!

2006-04-10T00:24:00.000-05:00

Secondhand smoke is a mixture of the smoke exhaled by smokers and the smoke that
comes from the burning end of a cigarette, cigar, or pipe. You also may have
heard it called environmental tobacco smoke (ETS), passive, or involuntary
smoke. Secondhand smoke contains more than 4,000 substances. Many of them are
dangerous poisons and can cause cancer. Anyone exposed to secondhand smoke
inhales these substances.

Lung disease, including lung cancer, is the third leading cause of death in
the U.S. Secondhand smoke:

Can cause lung cancer in nonsmokers; the U.S. Environmental Protection
Agency lists it as a Group A carcinogen, a rating used only for substances
(i.e., asbestos) proven to cause cancer in humans .
Will cause an estimated 3,000 lung cancer deaths this year.
Can be a direct health threat to people who already have heart and lung
diseases.
Increases the risk of serious lung disease during the first two years of a
child's life.

Did You Know?

Nonsmokers who live with smokers are more likely to develop lung cancer
than other nonsmoking adults.
If you have asthma, secondhand smoke can make your breathing problems
worse.
Young children are especially sensitive to secondhand smoke. A baby who
lives in a home where one or both parents smoke is more likely to have lung
disease serious enough to need treatment in a hospital during the first two
years of life.
Children exposed to secondhand smoke in the home are more likely to cough
and wheeze and to have middle ear problems.

How To Protect Your Family At Home

Don't allow smoking in your home. Ask smokers to smoke outside or, if you
must, limit smoking to a separately ventilated room.
Be supportive. Help the smoker to quit.
Place "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs around the house.
Do not allow babysitters or others who work in your home to smoke in the
house.

What If People Smoke Where You Work?

NIOSH (National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health) has determined
that secondhand smoke may cause lung cancer in exposed workers.

On-the-job exposure to secondhand smoke can be four times higher than in
the home.
Secondhand smoke can irritate your eyes, nose and throat.
Some workers are already exposed to substances that can cause lung
disease. Secondhand smoke in the workplace can only increase the danger.
To protect nonsmokers from secondhand smoke, the workplace must be totally
smoke free or smoking must be limited to a separate, enclosed area with its
own ventilation system. As of 1991, about 4 out of 10 American companies
with smoking policies were smoke free.

A Special Message For Smokers

Smoke-free worksites can be tough on smokers. Here are some tips
for coping:

In smoke free areas, do something to take your mind off smoking. Take a
walk or stretch. Have a glass of water or a light snack.
If you must smoke, make sure you are not in a "No Smoking" area
before you light up and don't let cigarettes smolder in ashtrays.
Try to quit smoking. See if your company offers any programs to help you
quit or contact one of the organizations listed on the back of this booklet.

For more information, please visit the following MedicineNet.com areas:

Smoking and Quitting Smoking

Focus On Lungs

Source: www.cdc.gov

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=19930

Lung Cancer Hits Young, Non-Smoking Women

2006-04-10T00:13:00.000-05:00

By ANDREA CANNING

Aug. 6, 2005 — In her West Bloomfield, Mich., home, Lisa Roffman wiped away tears as she read from a journal she keeps for her 9-year-old daughter, Leah.

"You are a special gift to the world," Roffman read. "You will always be alright. I love you so much. Love, Mommy."

At 44 years young, Roffman is preparing to die.

"There's a limited time period," she said. "There's a sadness and an urgency."

Two-and-a-half years ago, Roffman, a non-smoker, was diagnosed with lung cancer and given less than five years to live.

"It was a complete and total shock," she said. "I certainly thought that it was going to be people who had smoked their whole lives. I always thought it was more men than women. I thought they were people who were 60 or older."

As the number of men with lung cancer declines, the American Cancer Society estimates that 73,020 women will die in the United States of lung cancer this year, more than those who will die from breast, ovarian and uterine cancers combined.

Ill Despite Healthy Lifestyle

While no national studies have yet been done, many lung cancer specialists say they're seeing a disturbing trend of more and more non-smoking women with the disease.

"Many of them have done an excellent job of taking care of themselves," said Dr. Joan Schiller, who specializes in lung cancer in non-smoking younger women at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. "They run. They eat right."

Ten percent to 15 percent of lung cancer victims are non-smokers. Among that group, women are two to three times more likely than men to get the disease. Doctors don't know why. Hormones, second-hand smoke, diet and air pollution all are believed to be factors.

Though lung cancer is deadlier to women than other types of cancer, breast cancer gets almost 10 times more research funding per death than lung cancer, Schiller said.

"These women are tragic victims of the fact that they have a disease that is associated with smoking," Schiller added.

Adding to the deadliness of lung cancer, the symptoms, which include shortness of breath and a chronic cough, often are misdiagnosed as asthma.

New Hope in Study, Drugs

Lately though, there is some hope.

In a search for answers, the National Cancer Institute has funded a grant to the Southwest Oncology Group, a cooperative research group of 283 institutions, to look at gender differences in smokers versus non-smokers with lung cancer. In what will be the largest study of its kind, researchers will look at tumor tissue and healthy tissue from men and women, smokers and non-smokers.

And in the more immediate term, doctors say non-smoking younger women are responding better than others to two new drugs — iressa and tarceva.

"There are certainly people whose cancer has gone away for years," Schiller said. "Will it last? We don't know.''

Iressa has stalled Roffman's cancer.

Tarceva is wiping out some tumors in Debbie Verhines of Saline, Mich.

"Oh, my gosh: I feel like it's given me my life back," Verhines said. "Yeah, it's a miracle drug."

Contemplating Life and Death

Verhines believes that aside from the drugs, conquering the disease is all in the attitude. As a show of strength she took off her wig.

"A lot of people haven't seen me bald," she said. "Hey, I can relate to people who are going through this. You can either have a happy illness or a sad illness, and I am going to have a happy illness."

The Roffmans understand that one day soon, Lisa may die. Her husband, Barry, contemplates life without her.

"I don't want to go in that room," he said. "I go right to the door and I don't open it. I just turn around and run the other way."

Every second is cherished as though it is the last. Lisa's daughter, Leah, prepares for her mom's death as the two share a kiss.

"Her soul and her spirit will always be with me," Leah said. "And her love."

http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/Health/story?id=1014929&page=1

2006-03-18T18:06:00.000-06:00

Mom

~Happy Birthday Mom~

2006-03-18T17:49:00.000-06:00

To my mother on what would have been her 51st birthday if she was still with us:
(thanks for the dear friend that shared it with me)
~Happy Birthday Mom~
My Mother is so special to me,
a friend who was always near,
someone I could turn to,
to listen or shed a tear
I know I told you often
how much I loved you so,
but I could never tell you
as much as you should know
Now that you are gone from me,
I think of so many things
that I want to tell you,
but the phone will never ring
Happy Birthday my dear Mommy,
I send wishes to the above,
of the joy you always gave me,
the joy of devoted love
~by Jill Hoel
© Jill Hoel 2005

2006-01-30T08:16:00.000-06:00

DEATH~

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
"Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know ? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and that is enough."

Letter From Mother

2006-01-23T00:50:00.000-06:00

Do not cry my sweet children, for my life has not end.
For I am in the presence of our Great and Mighty Lord,
In glory that one cannot comprehend.
I need not be hidden in the cleft of the rock
For I have seen the father face to face,
And I am part of His flock.
No longer do I have to depart from His most Glorious and Holy presence,
On His great mountain I will stay,
Robed in the Glory of His Love - The most Holy Ancient of Days.
Before you mourn for me, please remember this, Your mother is alive and living in the Great presence of His holiness.
-Michelle Collins

Beloved Mother

2006-01-22T20:28:00.000-06:00

A Beloved Mother And Very Best friend,
Dearest of all people, with a love that knows no end.
A playmate to her Children's Children,
She's both Grandma and a Friend.
Full of Childhood memories at the park and beach,
So fond and true all within our minds reach.
Blessed with beauty and an innocent heart,
She is Fairest of God's most exquisite art.
A Daughter, a Sister, a Wife and a Mom,
The Bride of Christ she has now become.
Her purpose fulfilled, and Her Legacy Left,
Again we will see her, and be no longer bereft.

2006-01-13T02:13:00.000-06:00

Time

If a loved one has departed,
and left an empty space,
Seek the inner stillness,
Set a slower pace.

Take time to remember,
Allow yourself to cry,
Acknowledge your emotions,
Let sadness pass on by.

Then center in the oneness,
Remember...God is here,
Death is but a change in form,
Your loved one is still here.

Treat yourself with kindness,
Allow yourself to feel,
God will do the mending,
And time will help you heal.

2006-01-11T23:38:00.000-06:00

Mom Dad and Noelle

2006-01-11T23:34:00.000-06:00

Mom and Noelle

2006-01-06T05:28:00.000-06:00

Momma, I was cleaning the kitchen this morning...and missing the dirty spoons you would leave on the countertop during your nightly trips to eat out of the peanut butter jar...those are sweet memories I will always cherish.

When tomorrow starts without me

2006-01-02T04:54:00.000-06:00

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heavens Gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
David M Romano
December 1993

2005-12-22T00:06:00.000-06:00

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny light, like Heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to lift your spirit
as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another
as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven
and I'm walking with the King.

~By Wanda Bencke~

2005-11-29T01:03:00.000-06:00

A Mother's Path

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, �Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said," Mother, we would not have done it without you." And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I have given them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."
And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the Mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them." And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence."
Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street. She's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks. She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home. She's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing can separate you.

2005-11-27T22:50:00.000-06:00

I was listening to a CD that I have had for awhile, and was listening to a song I have heard many times before....but this time....I actually listened to the words....it is beautiful...and I was in tears.

Homesick Lyrics (Mercyme)

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

2005-11-10T00:06:00.000-06:00

MOTHER I MISS YOU
By John Tesh & Dalia

Is it me?
Or have I deceived myself
I thought I heard you call my name
Out in the pouring rain
I really thought
I though I saw your face but after a second look
I sure made a clear mistake
Mother I miss you
And nights I just wish you were here with me
So we could laugh and talk again
Mother I miss you
But I'll just kiss you
And send it on the way
Cause you know I plan too see you again
So much I wanted to show you
So much I wanted to give
I thought our time would be much longer
Missing my best friend
Mother I miss you
And nights I just wish you were here with me
So we could laugh and talk again
Mother I miss you
I miss you
But I'll kiss you
And I'll send it on the way
Cause you know I plan to see
You Again

2005-10-30T23:28:00.000-06:00

It has been a little over a month since losing mom...still hard. The first dream I had about her was about two weeks ago, I was standing with her and my father, and I was grabbing her hands, rubbing them, telling her she was beautiful and kissing her face, and telling her "Please don't leave me." Over and over again I kept saying this...she and dad walked ahead in the crowd, I kept losing sight of her, and kept saying "Please don't leave me," but she did. The next dream I remember I was sitting next to her, she looked beautiful, and I was telling her about the dreams I had about her, and she just sat there smiling at me, not saying a word. Then I had a dream about her last night. I was with her, in her room, and she was pretty and didn't look sick at all. I was crying and holding her hand, and I said to her, maybe we would have had you with us for a little longer if you hadn't had the chemo. (she died three days after her first chemo treatment) And she said to me..."no you wouldn't have. The crazy thing, in my head in the dream, I was thinking, why am I saying this, she isn't dead. When I woke up I had a some peace...I guess deep inside I felt guilty that we insisted on chemo and then she died...she was bad off, stage 4, the cancer encased her aorta and was in her liver too. I sat on her bed beside her the night before she passed, rubbing her back, her telling me how good dinner was, and telling me I needed to have a baby girl. Elijah walked in her room, the look on his face was total shock at the way grandma looked, I quickly ushered he and his brother out of the room. The poor boys were awakened the next morning by my screams and cries. Later I felt so guilty, because my oldest, christian, said to my husband...I keep hearing mommy screaming. I have had three dreams about momma, and she never talked to me in my dreams, until the last one. Anyhow, I am rambling on, this is like therapy for me.
(This is a picture of mom last halloween)

God is so Great!

2005-09-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

Well, today was the appointment for the arrangements...and it was quite exhausting. We had a 5,000 life insurance policy for mom, that I bought a couple years ago. But, the cost of the funeral was over 10,000 dollars, this is minus the cost of the grave marker. They want 1400 dollars for a single one, and I believe 2500 or more for a double one, so we decided not to get it yet, and decided we would check out the casket store for grave markers. Get this....this is where it gets good. A couple hours later...my sister talks to a friend of the family, and they have a granite grave marker that we can have....all we need is the metal ingraved insert with moms info on it. I was so in awe of God's mercy and grace...He is so good to us. In the midst of our pain, he is providing. The ladies at my sisters church are providing all the food for the reception, and my sisters pastor is doing the memorial service at no charge (we wanted our Uncle to do it, but he is unable to do so). Of course, we will give them money, we feel it is only right. But there is an out pouring of love right now...God is taking care of us. I even contacted an old friend from High School, and she is singing at moms funeral and memorial service also. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers.

The events of the Day Mom Passed

2005-09-24T17:33:00.000-05:00

WARNING GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF MOMS PASSING...YOU MAY WANT TO NOT READ.
We didn’t' expect this at all. She passed three days after starting chemo. She had a really bad night, dad was up rubbing her back all night, she was in pain, and was using a nebulizor to help with her breathing. We were told that the third day of chemo is the worst...but I guess mom couldn’t handle the toxicity. Just twenty four hours, maybe more, before she passed, I asked mom, "So, is chemo as bad as you thought it would be?" She told me no. Well, at about 10:30 am mom woke dad up, because he had fallen asleep from taking care of her. She was talking to him, he asked her if he could get something for her, she was talking with slurred speech. Moms breathing seemed labored, he noticed that her eyes lost focus, and her lips were blue. Dad ran to my bedroom door (I slept late, was up all night with huck...cause he was on the phone with his sister who thought she was dying from a blood clot) and dad beat on the door and said, we need to get mom to the hospital, she is having trouble breathing. What he and I didn't know at that point till we realized later, was that when mom's eyes lost focus...she had left us. Well, I flew out of bed, ran into mom’s room...I didn’t' say it, but I knew she was dead...her eyes were opened, her mouth was opened...it was horrible. I screamed for huck, I was freaking out bad... (Huck by the grace of God, was home and didn't have to fly...this is rare) Dad was trying to revive mom and so panicky, as soon as huck got in there, which was pretty much immediate...he checked for vitals, there was none, he and dad lifted her to the floor and huck started CPR. I was wailing and begging God, I am sure I was heard outside our house too. I called 911, they sent someone out...I felt like I had been punched in the chest...I thought my world had collapsed...it still feels a lot that way.

Not sure how long paramedics took to get there, but it was too late...although Huck did not stop trying. After the paramedics got there, they still had huck doing chest compressions, and he was so tired that they worked with a two man team ....one doing chest comppressions and the other doing the breating. They stopped at almost an hour later...My poor husband didn’t' give up till the paramedics told him...that there was no saving her...there was no heart activity...nothing for them to use paddles on...she was gone before Huck started cpr. I feel so guilty, my husband was so tired and in tears saying to me..."I am so sorry I couldn’t save her for you. We held each other and cried...I assured him that there was nothing he could have done...that it was God's decision. I still hurt so badly, when I think of how hard my husband tried to save my mom...and the trauma he went through seeing her that way...she was gone, and it was useless. I told my friend Marie, that I wish I hadn’t' made him feel like he had to save her, like he had to bring her back, but she told me, that had he not done what he did...there would have been worse regrets...always the thought..."Could I have done more?" We are all dealing with what ifs right now, and some regrets are creeping in. I knew in the back of my mind we would eventually lose her...we never knew this fast.
My Moms doctor called moments after Huck and the paramedics stopped trying to bring back mom, and Dad had to tell the doctor, "We lost Angie" Dr. Tan said to my Dad..."What....What?....What?.....how can this be?" Dr. Tan thought my mom would be around for a lot longer...He told her that she wasn't terminal. I fear now that the herbals she was on were hiding exactly how much cancer she had in her body, and maybe that her whole body was eaten up, I know I was afraid it was in her brain because of how scatter brained she was. She was such a beautiful woman...After the paramedics left the room, I went in there, they had covered her face...I was so grieved that I almost laid directly on top of her like Paul did when he as praying for God to bring back someone that was dead. I held her hand, rubbed her face, kissed her, told her what a good mother she was, over and over again, hoping she could hear me...I told her we would take care of dad....over and over again...till the paramedics made me leave the room...and then they shut the door. While they were in there, they took all her medications...which sucked because I really needed her anti anxiety medication. I know I am rambling, and perhaps I have said too much...But it is all so fresh in my mind. Dad keeps falling apart on us...they were married 31 years...and mom passed at only 50 years young. I need to stay strong for my dad.

Mom’s body is still in Milton Florida, they are going to bring her to Jacksonville. We left Milton around 7:30 last night, and got here in Jacksonville around 3am. I was so exhausted from grief and the events of the day, that I almost passed out once I hit the bed. As soon as I woke this morning…I kept having flashes of yesterday’s events. But, some good memories are starting to overtake the bad memories.

The last time I saw my mom alive was the night before…dad took care of her all night…which happened quite often…she would have bad nights and scream out in pain, and my dad would rub her back. About an hour before she passed, dad helped her onto there portable toilet in her bedroom, and when she was holding onto my dads hand, she lifted it and kissed it three times and told my dad that she loved him. About twenty four hours before…maybe a little more, she had asked me to please have a baby girl. The day before that, she sat with me and watched the entire first Lord of the Rings…her and I both have a soft spot for that movie.

All the events from the past month…even way before…seemed to be paving the way for her passing. She went to Disney world with us and the kids this year…after that, she got too ill to do anything that strenuous. She got things straight with my sister (there had been issues), she spent time with the Grandkids and I. When mom was having her heart attack, she was praying for death, and she told me that when God didn’t take her, she was disappointed. In the ER I had laid hands on her chest and prayed for God to wrap his hands around her heart and protect it. Well, my sister didn’t think mom was in risk of passing soon, until her heart attack…The next day, my sister and her family came and spent a week with my mom, we even took pictures of her with all her grandkids…she looked beautiful and very happy. Then, dad pulled his knee out and couldn’t work…so he had two weeks of time with my mom where he didn’t’ work. Then the night before she passed, Huck and I were up all night on phone with his sister and her golf ball sized blood clot, begging her to go to the doctor. That when 6 am came around, I overslept and didn’t get Christian off to school. Don’t worry, the kids were in there playroom when all of the stuff happened yesterday…they didn’t see her, and won’t until the funeral. God had us all home yesterday for a reason, so that assures me, that this was part of God’s plan, He planned to take her home with Him, and He knew that all of us left here to grieve her needed each other to be home for each other.

I need prayers very, very much. I need peace, and I need those last images of huck doing CPR out of my mind. My dad needs prayers also.

2005-09-23T16:30:00.000-05:00

This morning around 10am, Mom's spirit left her body, and she is now with the Lord in glory, with her mother and her father who had already passed on from this life onto glorious eternal life with our heavenly Father in heaven. Please continue for peace for the family during this difficult time of grieving. Her body will be laid to rest in Jacksonville Florida.

2005-09-22T14:37:00.000-05:00

Mom had chemo this past tuesday...she was fine tuesday afterwards...a little week, then it hit her like a mac truck on wednesday night. She is shaking so bad she kept asking me if we were having an earthquake...seriously!! I kept telling her no, that is was just her body shaking from the chemo. She has had a real bad day today, my dad hasn't been great at giving her her medications on time...thus causing her to be in severe pain....from the cancer, not the chemo. I told mom I will take back the responsibility today/tonight for giving her the meds. I think his mind isn't right at the moment, because he is so stressed and watching is wife's health decline...and he has ADD, but won't go to the doctor for it or take medications either. I asked him to take over when he went on medical leave the end of last week with a pulled out knee, because I needed a break. Dad was crying today while taking care of mom, her mind isn't right at the moment...I think the chemo is affecting her...she mixes up her words, hears us say things that we didnt' say. And she is feeling things move in her chest....I am hoping that is a good sign, that maybe the chemo is really attacking that mass in her lung...causing some movement. Thanks for the continued prayers everyone.

2005-09-19T00:52:00.000-05:00

Well, mom had her appointment with the Oncologist. He told her that the Cancerous Mass in her lung has grown by another 1.5cm's. He spoke to her, letting her know, that all that she is feeling right now is symptoms from the cancer, and he can't just keep treating the 'symptoms,' because he needs to treat the cause, thereby eliminating most of the need to treat the symptoms. He was very sweet and supportive, he is a great doctor. He told her that if she isnt' going to finish the treatment, then not to start it. He told her all the possible side effects, and assured her that they will give her meds to help with those also. We addressed the fact that mom wasn't eating and she was nauseated and losing weight. So, Dr Tan gave her a prescription for nausea medicine, and something to increase her appetite. And, praise be to God, they actually work. She is eating great, maybe she can gain a little weight back...she has lost over 40 pounds in the past few months from being nauseated and unable to eat. Mom is so fearful of nausea and vomiting that I believe that is what has kept her from taking chemo up to this point. I told her, :"Mom, you are already nauseated...so what if chemo makes you nauseated too." Plus the doctor has told her that they will give her med for that too. So, starting on tuesday, mom is going to take chemo treatments. Once a week for three weeks, then a week off. After her week off, she will get another CT scan, then we will see if it has given any results. I will keep everyone updated as much as possible.

Moms Ct Scan

2005-09-15T00:24:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone,
Just an update, sorry I haven't been online much lately. A lot going on, and my right arm is in severe pain, I hurt it bad this summer trying to chop through a tree root in the ground...hasn't healed and it keeps flaring up.
Well, some potentially bad news, Mom had another CT scan yesterday, and the technician told her that the tumor (mass) looks to be 12 cm., whereas it was before only 9cm. It is growing at a rate of almost 1cm a month. I believe mom will decided whether or not to take chemo or not tomorrow, after the official measurement and report from the doctor. Please pray that the tech measured it wrong, and that it is smaller.
God gave me some peace in a sermon this past Sunday, it was about Daniels interpretations of dreams, it reminded me of the dream that God had given me, and the broken serpent statue in my dream, I believe that represents Satan/Cancer being defeated. Please continue to pray for my mother. HERE IS A PICTURE OF MOM AND ALL HER GRANDKIDS...EVEN OUR DOG PIPPIN

2005-09-11T00:24:00.000-05:00

Mom has been doing great the past few days. Christina and her family visited us. They just left today. Mom has been feeling alot better, eating more, getting out of bed more. The prayers are working, please keep it up everyone.

2005-09-07T10:24:00.000-05:00

Take off

2005-09-07T10:23:00.000-05:00

helicopter

2005-09-07T10:19:00.000-05:00

Picture of Mom in Life flight helicopter

2005-09-06T17:34:00.000-05:00

MOTHER (a poem)

To the mother who gave her all,
To loving her children so tiny and small.
To the mother who did the best,
Her children shall rise up and call her blessed.
For the mother who did without the finer things,
She is rewarded with the love that motherhood brings.

Through diapers and bottles,
And preschoolers with full force throttles.
Through Dances and dating, And worries of premarital mating!
With loving instruction and hugs and kisses!
She even found time to do the dishes!

Oh beautiful Mom, so sweet and tender, better memories my mind could not have rendered. There is one prayer I pray today...That I will be a Great Mom Like you someday.

2005-09-06T17:22:00.000-05:00

Mom is home from the hospital, feeling better, but still has to take her pain meds for the cancer. There was no damage to her heart from the heart attack, I give God all the glory for that. The infectious disease doctor found no infections/bacteria in her blood cultures, the doctor told us that the 102 fever she was running was likely "tumor fever," we assumed it was that in the first place. The cancer has caused the middle lobe of her right lung to collapse as well, as her left lung where the 9cm mass is. Please continue to pray, the cancer causes her a lot of pain. She will have another ct scan sometime this week, and then decide on chemo. She thought she had her mind made up until she took a turn for the worse. She is so fragile. I will write more later as I recall events from the past week more accurately.

Mom in ICU Day 2

2005-09-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

Mom is doing great today. They gave her some Zanex (I think that is what it is called) for her anxiety, and she is such a sweet angel right now...no disagreements, no tension, no stress or painful looks in her face. She looks tired and thinner, but she feels good. They still don't know what the fever is from, they say she might be moved out of ICU tomorrow, not sure if they are gonna discharge her or not. We pray she comes home soon and healthier.

Mom is in ICU Day 1

2005-09-04T01:02:00.000-05:00

We went to the hospital to see mom today, and they moved her to ICU, from the PCU (Progressive Care). Not sure what is going on, and it kinda scares me. She had a 102 fever today, her heart started acting up again and they are calling in an infectious disease doctor. They said that all her blood tests come back free of anything and that she shouldn't be on antibiotics, but when she is off them, she gets a fever and chills. I hope that this Infectious disease doctor can tell us something. Mom is weak and sick, and not eating well, she wants to come home. Inside I feel like she is dying on us, but she looks good on the outside. Great skin color, and beautiful. I hate the ICU visiting hours. We can only visit at every odd hour between 9am and 8:45pm. And the visits are for 30 minutes at a time.
Example:
Visits are between (I think I am a little off on the exact times):
- 9:00-9:30am
- 11:00-11:30am
- 1:00-1:30pm
- 3:00-3:30pm
- 5:00-5:30pm
- 8:15-8:45pm
I think that is the exact visiting schedule seems way too restrictive, and her room, no phone, and we had to take her cell phone so we can't contact her at all. Please pray for her and for our family right now. I seem so stressed and mom is so weak.

Mom had a bad day

2005-09-02T23:40:00.000-05:00

Mom is still in the hospital today. No problems right now with her heart. But her acid reflux is causing major chest pain. she can't eat anything at all without intense pain. She said they treated her horrible today, and that they aren't giving her any more morphine, only tylenol. And that the reflux medicine is not working. I am at a loss at what to do to make her feel better. She is getting increasingly irritated at me, and very combatant. Makes me want to cry sometimes...but I have to stay strong for her.

Mom had a heart attack

2005-09-01T21:50:00.000-05:00

My mom had a heart attack this morning and I had to call 911 for rescue to come and get her. (We didn't know what was wrong at the time) She was screaming in pain. I had to get the kids dressed and out the door, and not to mention I had a stomach virus this morning and I couldn't leave the house for about 20 minutes after the ambulance left...that was stressful. So, once I got there, my dad had gotten there already, cause I called him at work. Mom looked bad, she had two IV's in her arm and she was doped up on morphine and still in pain. I for sure thought she was going to die on us...I have never seen her look so weak and vulnerable. They put her in a life flight helicopter to take her to Sacred Heart Hospital in Pensacola, took the helicopter about 6 minutes to get there, but took my dad and I about an hour with traffic and stuff to get there.
By the time we got to Sacred Heart, they had already done a catheter and found no clots, they said what they gave her at the emergency room at the other hospital (Santa Rosa Hospital) would have dissolved any clots. They said that they believe she has been having a heart attack for 3-4 days we still don't know the extent of the damage, or whether or not there was any.
She is stabilized and may be coming home tomorrow. Please continue to pray for her.

2005-08-24T11:26:00.000-05:00

Well, Mom has decided not to do the chemo, she said she is just gonna trust God. I think her decision came when a new friend of ours called to tell us her husband is in ICU from chemotherapy. He is a much older man, and the cancer has spread to his brain, skeletal system and more. We are in major prayer for him.
Mom has had a lot of bad days, screaming out in pain and such, from taking lymph cleanse and a whole bunch of other stuff, I told her to give herself a few days of rest from that stuff, but she is still taking the other stuff (Essiac tea, curry and some other stuff). She feels better now off the Lymph Cleanse, but I believe that may have been helping get the cancer out of her lymph nodes. Yesterday morning, she looked as if she was ready to give up, she even mentioned that she felt like she was dying, but then she started to feel better, and her whole continence changed. Mom even moved around some furniture in her bedroom�now that is a big change.
I pray so much during the day. I am going to go and buy some pretty yarn, and knit mom a prayer shawl (a shawl that is prayed over while it is knitted); she is cold all the time.
I suffer from depression, and it has only gotten worse lately, so I am thinking about getting on medication for it, I was on it in the past, and felt like a new person, but certain family members made me feel bad about it, so I got off the medications. I feel like our whole family is under attack. But we will not let the enemy win.

2005-08-20T12:20:00.000-05:00

8/18/05 PET SCAN results revealed the the cancer cells looks to be spreading across her chest near her right lung also, shows it in the lymh nodes her collar bone too. Doc said no radiation at this point, recommends chemo. Doctor told her she has possibly 18 months - 4 yrs to live given treatment results. And told her she is stage 3b not 4 after studying her records some more. We are holding out for a miracle...No decision yet on chemo or not. Update...the PET scan revealed that the cancer is NO LONGER in her lymph nodes below her diaphram. NO CANCER IN HER BRAIN OR OTHER ORGANS...PRAISE GOD. MY GOD IS IN THE MIRACLE BUSINESS, AND ALL PROMISES ARE YES IN CHRIST JESUS. I CLAIM MY MIRACLE FOR MY MOTHER RIGHT NOW!

The way God warns us...

2005-08-13T10:33:00.000-05:00

Picture of Mom and Christian at Disney World in May
Back last november....
My son was in his playroom playing video games, and my mom was in the bathroom...fixing her hair I think, well, my son all of a sudden for no reason said to his grandmother, "grandma, you need to stop smoking" (she wasn't smoking at the time, doesnt' do that in the house). She said, "I know". Then she proceeded to walk out of the bathroom, and before she got one foot out of the bathroom floor, she collapsed and couldn't get up. She was in so much pain, and couldn't get up for more than an hour. She laid there on the floor, with me and my dad rubbing her back. She quit smoking that January and was diagnosed with Lung Cancer about two weeks ago. She now believes that is when her left lung collapsed. She had a 10.5 cm mass in her left lung, last ct scan measured it at 9cm. I truely believe God uses our children to speak to us sometimes.

2005-08-11T22:18:00.000-05:00

Today was Mom�s PET scan. Before we got into the medical center, we saw Mom�s Oncologist in the parking lot. Mom stopped to talk to him, and he told her she looked a lot better than the first time he saw her. He was on his cell phone, so it was a short conversation with him.
When we got there, Mom had to be injected with glucose filled with some sort of chemical. The glucose carries the chemical to the cancer cells and shows up real bright on a PET scan. She did well; they gave her an injection of the glucose with radioactive tracers in it. The sugar takes the radioactive tracers to the cancer cells. Well, after they injected her with it, she had to lay still and not talk for an hour, then after that they did the scan, which lasted for 30 minutes. She took anti anxiety meds to calm herself down.
They wouldn�t' tell us what was on the scan and wouldn't show it to us either. Her oncologist told her to call Monday, and he would discuss the results with her over the phone.

August 9, 2005 CT Scan

2005-08-09T22:20:00.000-05:00

Well, today mom had her CT Scan. The last CT scan and MRI she had showed a 10cm mass in her left lung. Well, todays scan shows her mass as only 7cm. She has gone through no treatment. Only herbs, vitamins, green tea, essiac tea, curry and such. Please pray that this really is a shrinkage. I know God is great! The CT Tech also said he didn't see anything of concern anywhere else, she had her lungs and stomach scanned.

Two dreams and a Cure for Cancer?

2005-08-09T19:20:00.000-05:00

Ok, the day after we were told that Mom has cancer, I woke up from a nap, came into the living room, where mom was sitting, and she started to tell me about a dream she had. She proceeded to tell me that she was at her Mothers house, whom died about 9 yrs ago. And her Mother took her to a calendar hanging on the wall; this was a 1997 calendar, with an Indian on it. Then my sister calling her on the phone awakened my Mom from her dream. My sister proceeded to tell her about Essiac tea, which my mom had in the house, but forgot about. My mom wouldn’t have known the importance of this tea, had she not received a message in the form of a dream from God.

As soon as she had finished telling me of this dream…I thought, “Wow, I just dreamt about Grandma too!” So, I told her about my dream. We were in an ethnic type restaurant, which at first I thought was Mexican; because that is the only ‘ethnic’ type food we eat. There were statues of elephants, and other statues, which I don’t quite remember. But I do remember thinking in my dream, “Why is Grandma not complaining about all these statues?” Because she took the 10 commandments very, very seriously…and a statue was an idol to her. She stopped going to the Catholic Church because of statues. In my dream, we were walking by a broken statue of a serpent type. A dragon or a snake, hard to make out…it was broken into pieces. I looked at it and said, “Awe that is a shame, maybe they can fix it.”

When I finished telling mom of this dream, we pondered what it meant. Once we figured out it was an Asian restaurant, not Mexican, because of the statues of elephants with dots in between their eyes, Mom immediately said…”My memory has been bad, I hear curry is good for your memory. Curry being used a lot in Asian foods. I thought, “Wow, God is telling us both something.”

I got online to do a search for Curry, I typed in the search box, “Curry Cancer.” Guess what popped up! Articles saying the Curry (Cur cumin) destroys Cancer. I wouldn’t have known that on my own, and wouldn’t have thought to search for it either. God is so great…I lay in bed that night, astonished by the days events. I do wonder though, about that broken serpent statue...could that symbolize the Cancer being defeated?

Here is a little about Essiac tea:

Essiac - A Remarkable Canadian Indian Remedy For Cancer
"Essiac is an herbal cancer remedy used successfully for more than 50 years to treat many forms of terminal cancer. Learn how it works, where it comes from, why the AMA vehemently opposes it, and how you can get it. Includes case histories, statements from medical doctors who endorse it, and the results from medical institutions that tested it. Find out why this amazing product is also considered to be an extremely effective immune system enhancer, even for people not suffering from a particular disease. Anyone can obtain Essiac without a prescription."

Here is an article on it…great info:
http://www.wellbeingjournal.com/Essiac.htm

D Day....

2005-08-08T12:43:00.000-05:00

On August 3, 2005, what I now call D Day (diagnosis day); we went into the Doctors office to get the results of mom’s brochoscophy. We knew something was wrong, she wanted to just pick up the results the day before…but they wouldn’t allow it…she had to see the doctor.
Since this doctor was not an Oncologist, he couldn’t tell us what stage it was, he did however tell us it was Non small cell lung cancer type adenocarcinoma. He told us this type is the slower growing type. After a bit of crying and talking to the doctor, he gave her some prescriptions for acid reflux, because the procedure he had done to biopsy the lymph nodes also revealed a hiatal hernia.
During the procedure, from what I can tell, he went into the esophagus and looked around with a camera, he biopsied some lymph nodes, he found a hole in her esophagus and did some looking around to some of her other organs, the report said they looked good.
He noted that the lymph nodes looked necrotic and saw some necrotic debris. The biggest mass in her left lung is 10cm. Back in march it was only 8cm.
Mom had her gallbladder taken out in February, then started having the breathing problems, thus the chest x-rays and scans. They did the first biopsy, and it came back negative, so did the second biopsy. From what we figure, and from a comment the doctor had made, we believe they biopsied the diaphragm instead of the lung mass. Her Diaphragm is stuck in the up position. The Oncologist said this very likely might be due to nerve damage from the cancer.
Well, onto the first Oncologist appointment. The Oncologist we were giving an appointment with was Dr. Han. He was a very nice man, he spent a good hour or so on the phone trying to track down moms x-rays and scans. Our appointment time was at 9:30am, and we didn’t leave till nearly 1:30pm. He was very informative, answered all of our questions. His recommended course of treatment was radiation and chemo. He said the mass is too big, and mom is in stage 4, and could not be operated on. The cancer has gone into mom’s lymph nodes, and into the lymph nodes below her diaphragm. A PET scan next week should reveal where exactly it has moved to into her body.
The first couple of days after this diagnoses were like a blur, like I was moving through life looking into a hazy tunnel. Not sleeping well at night, and wanting to sleep during the day. I will post all I can here about treatments and such that mother receives. Please continue to be a prayerful and power source of hope and inspiration for her.